I’ve been spending more time on my mat lately. The time to sit quietly, balance, strengthen my body without running has been good for my soul. Soul tending I call it.
Today I was able to fit a 90 minute class in. That is a long time alone with your breath and balance. It is hard, actually very hard, to live moment by moment for 90 minutes in this world of second by second living.
My intention was simple today: Be present for each breath. Don’t think about the past, don’t worry about the future. Let your body be in the moment, the present. Breath by breath.
During savasana, my mind went to Desta.
Sometimes it takes 90 minutes of silence to get to the important things in our hearts and minds. I found this to be true today.
I find myself doing one of two things: fleeing the scene, allowing her to fester in her own self destruction of temper flare ups OR getting angry that I can’t fix it. My voice rises and I don’t speak words of life. Instead I find myself frustrated and weary.
Today I had a very clear image of Desta sitting quietly, asking me to just love her. Just as she was. Every.Single.Time.
This is what struck me: I have to be her stop gap. I have to surround her with love, over and over and over again. She doesn’t have the tools yet, to know that she needs to be quiet. She doesn’t know that a bath will calm her scattered vestibular system. She is unable to recognize chaos and how to calm.
That is my job. I am supposed to protect and help her. I’m supposed to be present, every.single.time. I am supposed to give her the tools to help her.
This week I’m committed to being present with Desta. I will lose my temper. I will get weary. I will fail. I also know that I’m it; I’m her Mama. I asked for this job and was given this job. It’s an honor and privilege.
Thank you, mat, for helping me see something right before me. I’ve learned again, the lesson of quiet peace. It is during this time that I see the important things in life.