Realizing who I really am

I’ve been really tired lately.  This is a busy time of life and it all caught up to me.  Desta is sleeping better, at times, but she requires so much during the day.  I pour myself into her, my other two children and Matt and by 8 pm, I am exhausted.

And the real me comes out.  That ugly side of me that I really hate and would love to permanently squish down and never see.  But despite my most valiant efforts, it rears its ugly head.

Take last night for instance. I have told our oldest two, many times, that the quieter it is when I put Desta to bed (ie feed bottle), the more time I have for them to read, etc.  Many times they’ve been told.  Yet, once again, one little person had to speak to me right when I almost had the baby asleep.  Yep, you guessed it.  Wide awake baby, tears and drama and I snapped at this poor little person.  “Get out.”  That’s what I said.  And it sounded terrible and I felt so incredibly guilty.

After I finally got the baby to sleep, I went to this little person’s room and apologized.  It doesn’t change what I said or the impact of what I said.  That’s what’s hard for me.  See, I know I turn into ugly mom many times (especially lately it seems).  And yes, I do apologize but it doesn’t change what happened.  I wish I could just go back and say, “Hey, come on in, whisper in my ear what you want and then we’ll discuss it when I’m done here.”  How hard is that?  Not very.

So I went to bed last night reminded once again of who I am.  And so very grateful and thankful that I know a God who loves me and forgives me and graciously allows me to start over again.  And this morning, I have asked for that new start.  From God, from me and from this little person.

Wish I could have gotten it a while ago.  Guess it’s true that the older you get, the more you see yourself for who you really are.