Lately I’ve been going to bed with a big load on my back called guilt. It goes along with what I posted yesterday about calling. As I lie in bed, I think of all the things I should have done that day.
I should have played play dough with Tobin instead of let him watch another show. I should be more crafty, get the preschool books out, interact with him. I should have sat on the floor and played with Desta instead of look for music I want to add to my iPod.
I should have stopped cutting the salad and listened to my daughter’s words about her interactions at school that day. I should have given her my undivided attention.
So many should ofs. Then the guilt comes. Then the feeling that “you are a bad mom.” And so goes the crushing spiral of guilt.
And every morning I wake up, resolved to do a better do over and every night, the do over wasn’t good enough.
I am hard on myself. I hear constantly, “You’ll miss these days. You’ll wish you had them back.” I will?
So many of you have given such amazing words of wisdom. I’d welcome any and all advice on how to entertain a 5-year-old while a little baby is not napping. I’d welcome ideas on how I can make mothering more fun again, without all that guilt.
I really would love to hear your thoughts. Right now mine are as stale as the gluten-free bread I have lying on my counter…which is so NOT yummy right now!
I was born in Jos, Nigeria many years ago. I spent the next nineteen years living in Liberia, Kenya and Ethiopia.
Guilt is a killer. I struggle with it all the time too.
I like what “Flylady” says about being kind to yourself. Her stuff is really worth checking out, even if housekeeping isn’t a big struggle.
One thing that’s really helped me with this issue (when I remember to do it) is to try to get outside of myself a little, and look at myself as if I am my own little girl. Am I being kind to her? Are my expectations of her unresaonable? If she’s crabby, why is that? Is she undernourished, overworked, or does she need a nap? Are her talents being developed? Is she getting what she needs to not just survive, but thrive? We’d never THINK of treating our children the way we treat ourselves, but we are just as precious to God as the children he’s entrusted us with.
Oftentime, guilt over all those “should have’s” comes from an underlying arrogance, the belief that we COULD do it all, and a refusal to acknowledge our own limits. If we could step outside ourselves for a minute and see the things we’re expecting ourselves to do, and do perfectly, it would be downright laughable. We’re not God, and we’re not supposed to try to be.
I’m not calling you arrogant, BTW. ;-D I just happened to have grown up in a very similar culture, and know a thing or two about MK’s tendancy to struggle with messiah complexes.
Now, erm, I’m going to follow my own advice, call my worship pastor and back out of singing this week. 4 kids, a Bible study to teach, my writer’s group, a sleepover birthday party–plus two nights of music practice??? Umm…unreasonable? ;-D
We must be related! When the shoulds start to crush me, I think it’s helpful to start by naming what is going on — like you did. A lot of times I get so bogged down in all the things I think I should be doing that I don’t even realize that I’m guilting myself into a huge funk. Once I realize what’s going on, I can be more objective — realizing that often times it would actually be humanly impossible to do all the things I think I should be doing. Hopefully I’ll get faster at diagnosing this problem in myself, and faster at letting go. It’s a lot easier to live free without the shoulds piled up on my back. I like what your friend Jenny says above. Wise words. Love you, Sister.
I now have two five year olds in my house, and here’s a couple things they love to do: 1. Playing the Memory Game with me 2. Playing Obstacle Course, which is basically where I set up an obstacle course they must do while running around the house (for example, run upstairs, do a somersault, run to the basement and back up, run out in the snow barefoot and in the kitchen again)and I will time them 3. If you can stand a little mess, I get 15 pound rice bags and a bunch of bowls, spoons, measuring things, you name it, and pour the rice into plastic bins set a cloth down on the table and let them go to town, and 4.Play-
dough! Just a couple ideas that work for me…