Making a choice

It’s been three weeks since work began for me.  Full time work.  Work that means Desta is in day care for the hours I’m working.

I love my job.  I love seeing the wonderful smiles of our students as they walk in the door. I love seeing the light bulb go off in their heads as they get a concept.  I love seeing them learn how to treat each other with respect and love.  It’s a good thing.  I enjoy being back at work.

BUT I greatly miss being at home with my sweet Desta girl.  It didn’t hit me until this weekend how much I have missed that time.  On Friday night Desta was crying during her nap time. After 30 minutes of on and off crying, I went in to hold her.  She pushed me away.  She wanted nothing to do with me.  NOW the logical side of of me said she was tired and frankly didn’t want anyone who was going to make her stay in bed.  BUT the emotional side of  me was hit hard.  I felt rejected by my 16 month old. I felt terrible that here she was crying, I was there and she didn’t want me.

I began to tell myself stories.  Things I made up.  Stories that are outlandish, ones that make me feel like a terrible mom for choosing to go to work.

I realized today while at church that I was allowing these stories, these lies I had created in my head to control me.  Instead of wallowing in the “poor is me, I’m not home ALL the time — which, by the way, was driving me insane only a few short months ago” I needed to choose to enjoy the time I have with her and my other two children.

It’s back to choices.  It always is.  I have to choose to be intentional.  No longer is it simply about me being with the kids because that’s my job as a stay at home mother.  No, it’s about intentionally creating time with each one of them despite my fatigue after a long day. It’s about choosing to listen to the truth, embracing the times I have now, not what I’d like to have or what I did have.  These choices are hard.  But I’m convinced worth it in the end.