Attaching

The other day Caroline, Desta and I were killing time at Khols while Tobin was at his taekwondo class.   Everything was perfectly fine until the end.  I had found THE bargain shirt for one of Tobin’s Christmas gifts (hey, with a 6 month old, I have to start early this year!).  Lego Star Wars shirt marked down from $18.00 to $4.00.  So we stood in line, the only line, and the baby began to melt down.

As we drove home, Caroline was fit to be tied.  “Mommy, why does the baby always cry?” (This time it was for good reason…she gave a man-sized burp as soon as I picked her up!)  “Why does Desta cry every time you leave and then come back?”

And I explained this to Caroline.  For the first 5 months of Desta’s life, she didn’t always have someone to come and hold her when she cried.  Not like Caroline or Tobin.  I was racing up the steps two at a time when those two would make a peep, from birth.  I told Caroline that it is a very good thing that Desta cries when she sees me.  It means she is attaching.  She is understanding that I am the person who will be there for her.

Attaching is not easy.  At this stage in the game with my two oldest children, I was working on getting them more independent from me. With Desta, I am working on fostering those attaching cries.  And I am drained many days, very drained.  It’s tiring doing the right thing, working to help our daughter become a whole and healthy person.

There are days that I wish she’d frankly, just leave me alone.  Go to one other person without needing ME so much.  But then I quickly remind myself how privileged we both are that she wants to be with me, that she needs me.

So we are attaching.  I’m working on being okay connected at the hip with an infant.  Desta is working on realizing that we ALL are here for her, not just mommy.  And we will continue on!