Dealing with my "issues"

We had our family photos yesterday.  Desta had napped, taken a bottle and I thought, ready to smile.  I think we’ll still get many cute photos but she clamped that mouth shut and did not smile.  No siree.  Refused.

Fast forward to the end of the photo session (which the photographer graciously came to our home due to the snowy, cold weather).  The photographer left and Desta began smiling.  And I had to change her diaper. 

See, she had “issues” to take care of.  She couldn’t smile when there was a need to address other more urgent things.

I thought about that last night.  How often in my life, I try to smile, to pretend that all is well in my world when in fact, I need to first take care of “issues.”  Figuratively speaking, I need to “fill my diaper” and get it all out first. 

The adoption journey is going well. Some days are stellar days.  The baby has been consistent (well, shot day was not so fun but I can’t blame her!)  I’ve  been the one inconsistent.  I’ve been trying to learn how to mother three children. 

Some of my “issues” have been my shortness of patience.  I tend to lean hard on Caroline, expecting more of her simply because she is older.  I find myself tired and let that be an excuse for that quick response that was neither uplifting or complimentary in any way.

Integrating a child into your family is never easy.  I’ve been challenged further because I have perceived all these needs Desta has that my adjusted biological children don’t.  For instance, I grow sad every time I think of the illnesses Desta had to endure without me there to hold her and cuddle her.  When we experienced the NICU with Caroline and subsequent medical issues, I was always there.  My “issue” here is that Caroline is settled and feels safe while Desta still needs me on call.  When in reality, they both need me.  Caroline  might feel safer and more settled in our family but she still has needs that should be recognized.

This is a long and complicated thought.  I wish there were more resources available for families adopting who already have biological children.  Trying to figure out who needs attention and what kind when is hard.  It’s that game called “You are a parent, figure it out.” 

I do know that when Desta got that big old dirty diaper off her yesterday, the smiles and laughs came out in full force.  I’d like to do that too.  Smile, laugh and enjoy all moments of this journey!