raw (rô)
Untrained and inexperienced; Inflamed; Unpleasantly damp and chilly; Outspoken; crude: a raw portrayal of truth; Powerfully impressive; stark
I looked up the definition of raw today. This word has been plaguing my mind for the past few days. There were over 10 definitions of the word. I gravitated towards these few listed above.
My original intention for this blog was to process the journey of adopting our daughter. It’s turned into more than that. It’s been a blog of soul searching, friend making, lesson learning and welcoming laughs.
Today I go back to my original intent. This adoption journey has left me feeling very raw right now. I have found myself on a teeter totter, unsure which side I should be on or should I just stay in the middle for now?
As I rock back and forth (and lately, I feel like it’s been a violent rocking, like my son, Tobin, does when he’s with another buddy of his–daring the beam to break while they play on it) I am caught in the middle of these two sides.
Side one: A sincerely burning longing for a child I have not met. My mother’s heart is aching to hold a baby whom I don’t even know is born. My throat often gets tight and sore as I think of our daughter’s mother, her people, her circumstances. This longing brings with it a true frustration. Why is this process taking so long? Why is there no information regarding where we are on the “list,” how long will it be before we see her face, why, if there are so many orphans in Ethiopia, are we waiting this long for one child?
Side two: STOP!!!! BREAK!!!! Throw in the towel. I don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into. I’m feeling very untrained and inexperienced. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. What happens when we get her? What happens when all the case studies I read actually come true? So many what ifs.
So I am swinging back and forth a million times a day. My heart is so very weary of this schizophrenic feeling.
I need a breath. I need air. This is hard!
I was born in Jos, Nigeria many years ago. I spent the next nineteen years living in Liberia, Kenya and Ethiopia.
don’t worry, you’re not crazy. we’ve all been there before. just try to take it one day at a time. and don’t give up. i know everyone says there is a child out there for you, and you probably want to puke every time you hear it by now. but it’s true. and she’ll come to you at just the right time. i struggle with this myself now with our second adoption. i want to have control over what child we get and when. but unfortunately, adoption doesn’t work that way. like many things in life, it’s a test of faith.
oh gosh, that post brought me back.
hang in there…wish there was a way to avoid it. but not sure there is.
embrace the process. embrace the pain. it’s all part of the story.
hang in there.
I don’t have any words of wisdom like the comment from the other person who’s been in your shoes, but I will pray for you, and I hope God gives you a little breathing space during this time! I know the waiting was hard for my sister too. So many unknowns, not knowing how long it will take, who the children (in her case) were, etc. One of their original children died after they had agreed to take him (it was twin baby boys), but they then agreed to take the 3 year old brother and the remaining baby. It was a roller coaster, but now they can’t imagine having any other children. You will get there!