It’s been a very long day in a series of many long days. I am hesitant to write my true thoughts as I feel guilty admitting them.
See, when we started this adoption journey, I kept wishing for one thing; to hold our baby girl in our arms. I prayed earnestly for that, shed many tears when the process seemed so long and wept when we finally got her.
Most days are good. But lately, I’m exhausted and frankly, feeling really sorry for myself. Desta does NOT nap. Not one nap. No, only 10 minutes here or there. And I am with her constantly. There is no break. Even when I attempt to take a shower or go to the bathroom, she cries when I’m not in her sight.
And I’m wracked with guilt. I hate letting her cry. I hate hearing her express sorry because I feel like she didn’t have that for the beginning of her life. I don’t know how much I should let her cry. How often should I pick her up. What do I do? I don’t know. I’ve never adopted a child before.
I”m terrified that I’ll mess up. That I’ll create attachment issues if I don’t tend to her every need.
But I’m exhausted. Emotionally spent. Today especially. And I feel guilty about that.
And because I have committed to sharing not only the joys of adoption but also the struggles, it’s here. In black and white. And I’m praying for a better day tomorrow. And maybe an hour nap?
I know. See, I post a picture of that cute face and it’s what I see every day. Guilt. Need to stop feeling that.
I was born in Jos, Nigeria many years ago. I spent the next nineteen years living in Liberia, Kenya and Ethiopia.
Hi Melodie…
I read all the books too. I knew about attachment issues. But because all I have ever known is adopted kids, I’ve never thought about treating them any differently than just “my kids.” I did worry a bit about attachment. There are times even now, with Josiah, when I wonder if he is still attaching. Since I haven’t had biological children, I don’t have anything to compare it to. But I brought both my kids home at 10 months. They both have always been great sleepers. But even from the beginning, I let them cry sometimes. From the first day, they slept in their own bed in their own room. And now that Grace is 3, she is most definitely, completely, totally attached. I can’t say exactly when it happened, but it did. No worries there. I don’t think you need to feel guilty. I don’t think you need to worry. I think you should treat her the same way as you would your biological baby. I think it would be different if you were adopting her as a toddler, or if she had been abused. But since she is still a baby, she will still seek to manipulate you to get what she wants–just like a biological child. You still will need to train her, just like with your other kids. Hang in there!
Of course we don’t have Maura yet, but I can relate to the exhaustion and weariness due to the fact that Ashton did not nap or sleep either. He didn’t even sleep through the night until he was 1 1/2 years old – I was up most of the night by myself as my husband is not pleasant to be around when he doesn’t get at least 8 hours of sleep and I found that if I had to deal with him plus a screaming baby it was even harder than if I would just do it all myself.
I will be honest in that this is what I fear it will be like all over again with Maura. I am praying that she will be a good sleeper, but I am expecting the worst to make it more bearable. Your exhaustion and feelings do not make you a bad mother – they make you human. Our bodies can only go so long and then we have to rest or we will literally collapse. I remember being at this point when Ash was 6 months old. I went to my parents’ house and slept for almost 7 hours during the day while they tended to Ashton…I don’t ever remember being so exhausted and feeling so alone.
You are in my prayers. I don’t have any words of wisdom as I don’t know how I’m going to handle the attachment issues. Hang in there!
Praying for you!
Melody,
Remember, she already has some attachment issues just by being adopted. This doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative thing. There are attachment issues with both infants and older children (I have both!). BUT, she is yours now, which should free you and not debilitate you. That means, if she needs a two hour nap after lunch, you know she is fed, clean diaper change, then let her cry it out in her crib. She will learn that you will be there when she awakes. My adopted 9 month old (two years ago now) wouldn’t sleep either until I did this. I would swaddle him like an infant and let him cry it out. Pretty soon, he liked to nap and started taking two naps a day, much to my relief and sanity! It was like he had to learn how to nap and need sleep. Once he learned, his body craved it and made up for all the lost sleep he’d had.
Keep pressing forward…..adoption is a journey unlike any other!
Holly
Oh, Melodie,
I fight this battle every day in my heart. I feel there are some extremes out there that are really unhealthy. I am trying to be balanced, but to be honest even though my two little ones are older, I am dealing with this as well. I think because they have more of a history, I wonder more and question more. My husband is really leading me in this process and is able to approach it less fearfully and less emotionally. It is hard to balance what I have read, what I have been taught, what my heart is saying, and what my head tells me to do. You are definitely not alone in this one!!
Laura
I’ve never been in the adoption shoes as you know…but I feel what you wrote. Some of it is common baby mommy stuff–but of course complicated by the fact that Desta is adopted. I feel for you and can only guess I’d feel the same way in your place.
My mom always tells me that “guilt is not from God”. I want to encourage you in your pursuit to let go of the guilt. You are a fantastic mom and are doing everything you can (whether you feel like it or not) to help Desta adjust and grow and develop. When your self-talk turns to guilty thoughts, combat them with the truth.
You are doing the best you can. Desta is a mystery (aren’t all babies??
) and you love her. You are tired. None of that is something to feel guilty about.
Hugs to you, supermom.
Melodie,
I love your blog because it’s so REAL! While I don’t have any experience with adoption to encourage you, I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your transparency. So few people write about what really goes on behind the scenes in life that it’s so encouraging for me to read about your ups and downs, even though I don’t have adoptive children, because it makes me feel like I’m not the only one who has bad days!
Love you and will surely be praying for you!