I am carrying her pain. At least that’s how I feel right now. Adopting an infant is different than an older child. I’ve said that before. But there are still many things that are the same.
Her biological mother and father are not here for her. When she was taken to that church, I don’t even know how long she had to cry before someone found her. She was taken to two places, given care from multiple people. Good care but not a mommy’s care. Then we showed up, took her on this epic journey, speaking a completely different language to her. It’s overwhelming. And all that created pain in her little life. All that created a place in her heart that will need to be gently held, loved and then helped.
I asked Caroline last night how long she thinks it takes to earn someone’s trust. She said about a year. I am earning Desta’s trust right now. Rather than let her cry it out, I have to be there. I have to reassure her that I will come back again and again.
And it is taking its toll on our family. Everyone is feeling displaced right now. My two older children have much less time with Mommy and Daddy, mainly because we’re so darn tired at night. I’m adjusting to having an infant who needs me to hold her pain for her. That, in and of itself, is an awesome task. Add to that the usual infant life of establishing routine, bottle feeding, and more and it’s exhausting.
And Desta, well, she is working hard on trusting us, understanding that we are her forever family. And that journey, well, that could take a lifetime for some issues.
So we continue to march along on this journey of trusting each other and becoming a family. It’s not easy but nothing I’ve done in life that I value has been easy. And my mind keeps coming back to the marathon I ran in June, right before we got our referral for Desta. There were miles I was so DONE WITH IT but I finished. I ran through the searing right calf cramping pain. I ran through the stomach ailments that hit at mile 15 and never went away. I ran through the wind and the rain.
And I’m so glad I did. And I’m so glad we have Desta. And for now, I’m willing and wanting to hold her pain for her, for as long as she needs me to, and then to walk through it with her when the time is right.
I was born in Jos, Nigeria many years ago. I spent the next nineteen years living in Liberia, Kenya and Ethiopia.
Melodie – beautifully written from a mother’s heart. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and I can tell you from personal experience, when it finally dawns on them that you are really and truly forever going to be there … forever – it is incredibly fulfilling. blessings to you and your family during this difficult and fulfilling journey of love!
I love to read your blog Melodie … you are such an incredibly expressive writer and your words carry much wisdom from the heart. Thank you so much for sharing!! I am there too, though, I do not have the older children added to the story. I often feel as though we are walking blindly. But yes, there are days when our Hannah wakes up just talking sweetly like she is the happiest little girl in the world and then there are other days when she wakes up screaming her “in pain” scream (like she is really scared or hurt badly). I often wish I could see inside her mind and heart to know and understand so much better the pain she is feeling. I pray daily that God will help me as I hold her and comfort her … and yes, there is much correlation between the training for and running of a marathon to our everyday life journeys. Many blessings to you dear one!
ohhh, I love this post. The re-ordering of the family cannot be under estimated. It’s a hard process but so worth it in the end.
xxoo