I have many things festering in my heart. I am battling the demons of stuff, of things not important. I am trying to find a way to incorporate my life with what my heart is thumping about.
Since the beginning of our adoption with Desta, my thoughts about poverty have changed. I no longer see an orphan as a child in a picture on a screen shown during a church service. No, an orphan is now what my daughter used to be. That precious little girl, asleep in her crib upstairs, has brought the issue of orphans smack into my heart. And I feel like I’m not doing enough.
Maybe I call it a holy passion. I am trying to find the balance between mothering my children, living in this world, this place and reconciling the issue of orphans (hundreds of thousands). And I’m stumped.
Because it is not easy. It is not easy moving beyond what my heart wants to actually doing something. It’s not easy surrendering comfort, my comfort, for someone else.
And when I stop and think about that orphan, that child who is overwhelmed with joy to get one hot meal of beans and rice, the same dish, every day, that makes my heart thump even more. Because I wouldn’t want to eat beans and rice, day in, day out.
So my heart is thumping and my mind is swirling and I am looking for a way to do something, now, to ease the ache of this holy passion stirring.
I was born in Jos, Nigeria many years ago. I spent the next nineteen years living in Liberia, Kenya and Ethiopia. This blog began as a way to chronicle the journey to getting our third daughter through adoption. I have found that since I began writing, this blog has become a place for community, support and a safe place to share about my LIFE.
I think we may be long lost twins. If you figure out some way to reconcile this, let me know, because I want in!
When my family left Liberia and came back to the States in 88, I remember being SO overwhelmed by the injustice of the differences between here and there, so horrified by the callous consumerism that is the norm here. My heart was broken on so many fronts–I think I cried for three years straight, maybe four. Then, when I was fifteen, I stopped altogether–literally didn’t cry more than a few times until I was in my twenties. I went shopping and bought the same overpriced clothes everyone else was wearing, never mind that the money could feed masses of people, decided to just put Africa behind me and survive. There were times when someone would ask me questions about a certain time period and I would come up completely blank for a couple minutes, until I remembered that those were the years I had been in Liberia.
But over the last couple years my heart has begun to break again. (Really, it was never “not” broken–just hidden and ignored, considered too dangerous to deal with.) It’s a good thing–it’s a necessary thing–but you’re right–how do you reconcile all the injustice in the world, or even acknowledge it, without going out of your mind or becoming so miserable that you can’t function?
You CAN’T do much good if you’re too miserable to function, and you WON’T do much good if you’ve encased yourself in a protective shell of denial, choosing to ignore all the ugliness in the world. I don’t know, Melodie–but I’ll pray!
I’m so thankful that you write about these things. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person who struggles with these issues.
BTW, I’m buried in “stuff” too–maybe I should have a big craigslist garage sale and send the proceeds to Africa, or organize a “declutter-a-thon”–have people pledge a certain amount of money for every box or bag of stuff I get rid of, LOL! I do think consumerism is the drug of choice for many of us, providing recreation, pleasure, and distraction. The need for money to pay for our stuff keeps us stuck in comfortable, familiar ruts.
I’m not sure what to do about that either. :-/ But thanks for talking about these things.
Wow, so my heart. Its hard to know what to do.
Hi! I just found your blog! Your words ring SO true! We adopted our daughter Ravenna in 2005 and just came home with Georgia in August (both from China)…and I cannot get all of “the others” out of my mind. I feel like I just want to run out a do SOMETHING but hear the Lord saying, “wait child, I am leading”…in the mean time I fast and pray and listen to the Lord’s heart for me and for all of His little ones…and I am learning to step out when He leads and hold back when He whispers to wait…His heart is so for the little ones waiting for homes…