I'm selfish….

Since Matt and I have officially begun this adoption process, I have been processing the impact a third child will have on our family. See, I’m a processor..someone who takes a long time to decide what I am thinking about. Normally I’m a very private person but I promised to chronicle the journey of adoption for friends and family. Therefore, a little transparency is in order!

So…I’m selfish. I physically carried Caroline and Tobin in my body. I was their protector, their provider and their comfort for those nine (make it ten!) months of their entry into life. I was the first person to see them come alive (well, me, a nurse, a doctor and Matthew). I was there those first days of their lives, up rocking them while they had a stomach ache, gas or just wanted to be held. I was able to emotionally connect to them at the very moment they took their first breath. In my limited experience of motherhood, all that I mentioned above is what I defined as motherhood.

With our third child, our daughter from Ethiopia, my definition of motherhood has to be different. And I’m selfishly grieving that I won’t be those things to her. Someone else will have the privilage of carrying her throughout her first months of life. Someone else will give birth to her. Someone else will care for her. My journey of motherhood with our third child, our daughter, will begin when she is handed to me, when I take her in my arms. It is then that I can begin a new definition of motherhood.

There is a part of my heart that is empty right now. I know that I have another child, a daughter, that is waiting for me. Instead of caring for her by eating right, exercising, not gaining the usual 50 plus lbs, I must instead pray, dream and wait. So I’m trying to use this time to dream about what this new type of motherhood will be. Instead of newborn moments, I will have other times with her. I will laugh, love and care for her as my daughter brought to me by God, not of my flesh but of my heart.