Not all easy

I think I hit a rut. Desta is teething. She wants to be held all the time. My back is begging for a break. I am feeling blah. With this 30 days of nothing, I am realizing how much I used to look forward to things. Date nights, heading to the mall to just look, a movie out, not having to cook another meal.

Yes, I can do all those things now. But most of them include taking our children with us (babysitter payout is not in the script right now). Everything involves planning.

I like to cook. I find a recipe and realize, dang it!, I don’t have all the ingredients and so it will have to be tabled for another time. I miss my wine and martinis. (Yep, alcohol is not included!) I miss going out.

And it’s not even so much the fact that I’m not spending money is that I have a baby at home. Life is different and I feel incredibly guilty when I start to feel sorry for myself. I am lost in the sadness of Haiti right now. I cannot imagine how those mommies feel who can’t even get water for their kids.

See, I start to spiral down this hole. Poor me, can’t go out. Then guilty me, I shouldn’t feel that way, then damn it, I don’t like any of this.

That’s today. Hopefully tomorrow will be different. Raw is sometimes real. Today it is.