Ready or not

Five days!  It hardly seems possibly that in five days we will be boarding a plane and heading to Africa to get our baby girl.  I haven’t been back to Africa in 12 years. 

I have so many mixed emotions right now.  When I stop and think that a week from tomorrow we will be meeting our daughter for the first time, my stomach does flips and turns.  This is the child we have been praying and longing for the past 26 months. 

I also am looking forward to going back home.  This will be the first time I’ve traveled home to Africa and my parents have not been there. That is a really strange feeling.  It’s strange to return to Africa as  a mother and wife. Last time I was there, I was dating Matthew.  We were in college. 

Africa is my homeland, my place of birth.  I am caught in a mix of emotions ranging from excitement in being “HOME” to nervousness about facing this land that birthed our daughter.  I can’t even put it into words.

I am ready. We are packed except a few small items.  I have cooked up a storm this weekend, freezing meals and desserts. I’ve written lists for my parents who will be blessing us with the care of our two children here while we are gone.  I have journaled, I have prayed, I have cried.  I am ready to be up at night, rocking one little 9 lb blessing. I am ready to be her mommy, in the present, not just far away!

I am not ready. I’m not ready to experience the world of our daughter. I’m not ready to smell the smells and say good bye. I’m not ready to have my heart broken again when I see so much poverty and need. 

But I don’t want to ever be ready for that.  I want to always yearn to grieve and be challenged to DO SOMETHING.  I am looking forward to seeing what that “Do Something” looks like!